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| It's like there's a lot of pressure, and sometimes I can feel it, but I'm not letting on to this. I don't think it's school, not this new page of school, but maybe the page before this and other things. My self-image is horrible. Don't comment on it. It's like a blow to the head every single time.
I wish I could portray myself through my art and my words. I wish I wasn't an image, more like a hologram. Just something so you know I'm not just a memory. Just a tangible thing that signals I am there. I am alive. I can feel. I can breathe. I wish I was a sentence. Something like, 'live and love'. Something like, 'live the best you know how'. Something that says 'fuck you, I'm working on it, I have to do this alone'.
I wish everyone was just a representation of something profound they knew. Some little life secret that would inspire you when you saw them. A word or a sentence or a paragraph or a drawing or something. I wish that when we conversed it was like we were trading our most intimate, deep thoughts, but we didn't have to articulate them. Like a passing of a note. Quiet and quick but everything lasted forever.
I wish I didn't have to stand in line and wait for my window. I wish I had some motivation.
I want to change but I don't want people to do it for me. I don't want to hear approval.
I looked at pictures to make myself sick. Not snuff, no, just cold images that I believe represent how I look. It worked.
Maybe it will work every time.
Maybe making myself sick will work.
I know I shouldn't but I do.
I wish I didn't care again.
I care.
I keep telling myself I can be happy without these things. I think it's true. I need to take baby steps. I can't handle everything at once.
I wish someone understood. | | |
| I'M EXCITED NOW.
My art is improving by miles, as far as digital painting goes and oh gosh I can actually look at the things I draw for more than two minutes now. Also I put up a journal on dA, a contest for a free drawing for whoever caps my 9k pageview mark (I don't care for pageviews, honestly, but I just want someone to challenge me), and someone was actually interested. This is like MAJOR for me. Even if they're a furry. As long as I'm not, I guess it's okay.
And Fate is fun to draw, he is. He may be always angry, but I like that. Because he beats me up and I'm like a masochist except not in a physical pain kind of way I just like to see people kill me I guess because my self-esteem is zero but anyways Fate is badass.
And I saw 'Doubt' tonight, and it was different than what I expected. I don't know how I feel about it, I liked Gran Torino a lot better. Gran Torino was awesome. | | |
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Also, drawin' douchey people. | | |
| Moved from Livejournal, just in case I guess. | | |
| This isn't like me ripping off someone's style forever as much as me trying something different to see if there's anything I can take away from it. Also, I really wanted to colour in not-totally-flat colours, and practice my digital painting and junk. But, anyways, yeah.
Kyle & Rex,
JRAD,
Hope,
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