| | It's like there's a lot of pressure, and sometimes I can feel it, but I'm not letting on to this. I don't think it's school, not this new page of school, but maybe the page before this and other things. My self-image is horrible. Don't comment on it. It's like a blow to the head every single time.
I wish I could portray myself through my art and my words. I wish I wasn't an image, more like a hologram. Just something so you know I'm not just a memory. Just a tangible thing that signals I am there. I am alive. I can feel. I can breathe. I wish I was a sentence. Something like, 'live and love'. Something like, 'live the best you know how'. Something that says 'fuck you, I'm working on it, I have to do this alone'.
I wish everyone was just a representation of something profound they knew. Some little life secret that would inspire you when you saw them. A word or a sentence or a paragraph or a drawing or something. I wish that when we conversed it was like we were trading our most intimate, deep thoughts, but we didn't have to articulate them. Like a passing of a note. Quiet and quick but everything lasted forever.
I wish I didn't have to stand in line and wait for my window. I wish I had some motivation.
I want to change but I don't want people to do it for me. I don't want to hear approval.
I looked at pictures to make myself sick. Not snuff, no, just cold images that I believe represent how I look. It worked.
Maybe it will work every time.
Maybe making myself sick will work.
I know I shouldn't but I do.
I wish I didn't care again.
I care.
I keep telling myself I can be happy without these things. I think it's true. I need to take baby steps. I can't handle everything at once.
I wish someone understood. |
| | Posted 1/13/2009 1:26 AM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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